So I’m an introvert.
There are so many definitions of what it is to be an introvert, I am not even going to try to go through them. But I think we can all agree that introverts are generally reserved, not socially outgoing and they enjoy solitude.
So there’s something that you should know – we’re not a monolith. I know you know it, but I want you to really understand it.
Recently, I was at a Diwali party (thank you, Pfizer!). It was outside, everyone was vaccinated and we followed the city’s covid regulations for outside gatherings. While I was excited to put on nice clothes and eat the catered food, there was another part of me that was kind of dreading the party.
I’m the person at family gatherings that does their best to blend in with the background. I usually stick to my sister or hide behind my mom. My brother is the social one, we signal for his help when we need his much appreciated talkative personality to take over. So after more than a year of no social gatherings, I was pretty anxious about being in a large group of people. Especially because, we would be meeting new people.
Nine out of ten family gatherings I’ve been to, someone that I’ve never met before has come up to me and said something along the lines of, “You’re very quiet, aren’t you?” It’s worse when it’s accompanied by the sympathetic aw-it’s-okay-you-don’t-have-any-friends look.
And every time, I’d feel even more pressure to make conversation and be good at it. You know what else I wonder? Why doesn’t anyone go up to my Amma and say, “you talk too much, huh?”
Being socially adept at being (or appearing to be) an extrovert has somehow become the standard.
Here’s the thing, I hate small talk. I have used my dear friend as a human shield during small talk MULTIPLE times. Every time someone we know would walk up to us, I’d slowly edge away so that I was just outside the group. She would take over for the both of us, finish the passing conversation in a few minutes, and we’d go on with our day. Now don’t you haters go and call her an enabler. She isn’t. Honestly, having her next to me used to put me at ease. It’s not that I can’t do small talk, I just don’t want to.
During the pandemic, I was not affected socially. I didn’t realize how socially claustrophobic some extroverts got until my brother and mother called feeling low because they weren’t meeting people. Privileges of being an introvert? Me think so. (Probably not the most notable mind privilege to have given the dire situation, but in case of an apocalypse, I am going to hide it out and walk out with my sanity intact.)
Here’s another thing, I’m not that quiet. Let’s say you leave me in a room with a puzzle on the table and a few strangers scattered across the room. Sure, there’s a strong chance that I’d focus on the puzzle and eventually forget about the others. But, if one or two people came and asked me about the merits and demerits of the power of flight, I could probably go on for longer than they bargained for. Ask my brother, exasperation is the exact word for his feeling when I butt into some (read: a lot) of conversations. I’m sure he’d pay me to shut up.
But like I said, introverts are all different. Contrary to popular belief, we all are not mopey ass “loners” who live alone in their rooms doing strictly “nerdy” things. I’m not lonely. I have friends. I have flourishing relationships and ones that need work. I like socializing in small groups of people that I am comfortable with. Just because I love Jurassic Park and Harry Potter, that doesn’t mean that’s all there is to me. And, I’m not quiet with my friends. I’m shy, so I don’t like initiating conversations, I get nervous and I fuck up. All the time. At said Diwali party? I said things like “low-key” and “carpe diem”. I’m the judgmental person that never forgets when someone uses those words with me, and yet there we were. Me, sunken in a pit of mortification, smiling on the outside.
So to all of you who are struggling socializing into the new norm, you’re not alone. My tip is to just take it slow. Meet your friends in small groups if that’s your comfort. Not ready yet? Ask for a video conference call. I talk to my siblings before, after and sometimes even during gatherings that I’m not totally into. If you mess up, don’t worry, take comfort in my constant fuck ups and try again when you’re ready.
Now to the close friends of introverts, if you aren’t already, see if you can make their day a little less overwhelming. If you’re at a crowded gathering, see if you can give your friend a way out to get some air or recharge when they need to. In a conversation that you know is going to end up being mostly small talk, take over if you can. My sister and I are both introverts, we literally take turns taking over small talk when we’re together. Not sure what your friend needs? Ask them beforehand.
The point is, professionally, we have to keep up with the extroverts, I get it. Socially, why don’t we just take the pressure off, at least a little bit? If you looked at us as an individual before you threw us into the basket of “social outsiders”, you might have something better to mention to us other than how quiet we are.
Just saying.
Until next time.
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